THE JOKES OF JCC... [updated - Nov. 18th, '98]
Please Note: This page is intended for the unfortunate people who live in the more 'poetically challenged' areas of the world where it is impossible to take in a live JCC show. If this applies to you, and you happen live in one of these places - of which there are many, the jokes on this page represent some of the gags John tells between reading his poems. Generally they crack people up - well they do me anyway.
If you 'don't' live in one of these poetically challenged areas and can make it to a show, it's best not to read this page so that it doesn't spoil your spontaneous reaction when you go. However, after you've been, and if you can remember any of the jokes you heard the next day, please send 'em in so I can add to this list. Cheers.
On Circus Clowns
Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says Are you the front end of an Ass? No says Johnny. Are you the back end of an Ass No he replies. Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... Watch your Uncle and learn says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle
Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). Are you the front end of an Ass they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. No Are you the back end of an Ass No says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash
said ...Fuck off you red nosed, big shoed cunt.
What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep? Answer... It's marginally less embarrasing getting out of the back of a sheep...
If it wasn't for Emmerdale I wouldn't get any fresh air at all.
On Job Interviews
A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is
interviewing asks Can you fry eggs?. Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England replies the bloke... Give me half a dozen. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. That's amazing says the interviewer but it must have been a fluke. A fluke! Give me a dozen says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.
Well then do I get the job? No, you piss about too much!!
On Sushi Restaurants
Property prices are so high in Japan , if you open a restaurant you've got to make a choice; Do you want a kitchen or do you want customers?
I played a gig in Cardiff last week and had a run in with the Welsh
Mafia; They made me an offer I couldn't understand...
On Musical Tributes
Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa... 'Sandals in the Bin.'
On Latin Definitions
Coitus Interruptus... That's Latin for Hold the Mayo
Two paedophiles were talking... One says to the other... Haven't seen you around for a while. The other replies...No, I've been hanging around the local primary school. You should see this 8yr old girl, she's georgous. She has the body of a 5yr old.
On Tom Jones
Man says to Doctor: I can't sleep. Everytime I lay on my left I hear 'The Green Green Grass of Home,' and when I lay on my right, I hear 'Delilah.'
Doctor: I'm afraid you have a case of Tom Jones Fever.
Man: Tom Jones Fever? Is that common?
Doctor: Well, It's not unusual.........
Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no fucker can spell!
Heard about the dyslexic rock star? ...Choked on his own vimto.
Or the dyslexic pervert? ...Went into an S&M shop and bought a nice
Dyslexic pimp opened his own warehouse!
On drink driving at Xmas:
Nobody wants to run over a mother of six do they? But how else are you gonna get the car home?
A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her.
...It's Darwin's waiting room.
Q: What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehova's Witness?
Punchline: You can close the door on a Jehova's Witness.
Q: Why would anyone buy a Lada convertible?
Punchline: If I was buying a shed, I'd want a roof on it.
Polish man goes into an opticians...
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke...
"Can you read the top line ?"
Polish man says " Read it ! I know him "
My manager says I'm far too sophisticated an artist to play in Burnley...
Or anywhere else where they still point at airplanes.
On Hotels in Burnley:
You know you're in the wrong hotel when a fight breaks out in the mini-bar.
I wouldn't say the hotel was bad, but they stole my towels.
The room was so small, when I put the key in the door, I broke the window.
I asked for a suite with a view. They gave me a Polo Mint.
Q: What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Punchline: A drunk doesn't have to go those f__k'in meetings.
and... I still drink. I just use a different name.
I always wanted to go to Nairobi... Just so I could say "it's a jungle out there."
Q: Do you know why women spend all their money on perfumes and cosmetics?
Punchline: Because they're ugly and they stink.
I'm not a misogynist.
Not unless a misogynist is someone who hates all women.
I don't have much luck with women...
If you cut a woman in half, I get the half that eats.
I'm divorced now. We split the house. She got the inside.
I eat a third of a Mars Bar a day... just to help me rest
Georgie Best drinking Milk. That's a miracle.
On the O.B.E:
They all had the O.B.E: One Big Eyebrow
On Religion in Ireland:
Condoms were very hard to get hold of in Ireland 15 years ago...
They had to smuggle them in inside bags of heroin.
On Volvic Bottled Mineral Water:
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